Battling a Social Stigma

For several months now my Endocrinologist has persuaded me to see a Psychologist. She once asked me about my line of work and I believe my response was that I was stressed out and didn't like my job. Ever since then she has asked if I wanted her to prescribe me a "happy pill." I have since been laid off along with 600 other fellow workers so clearly my unhappiness at work is no longer an issue. It was indeed a blessing in disguise come to think of it. I was seriously hanging on by a thread both physically and mentally as a result of my illness and also because I was no longer satisfied with the job. My side business which is my true passion was beginning to overshadow my full-time job anyway and it sounds horrible to say but my 9 to 5 job was becoming a hindrance blocking my ability to expand the business further.

As every visit came and went my Endocrinologist kept asking me if I saw anyone yet. I began to wonder: Do I look unhappy? Am I really unhappy and just in denial about it? Was I depressed and didn't even know it? I decided to give talking to someone a try.

Seeing someone and speaking about your feelings and problems is virtually unheard of in my mind and not how I was raised at all. Taking a "happy pill" is even more of a taboo. While I am happy to say that I overcame my pride about seeing a therapist (I will be seeing her for the third time coming up next week), I still feel very strongly about not taking any medication unless I truly need it. I maintain that I don't have to since thankfully I don't have extreme Depression or Anxiety. I have discovered that I do suffer from these afflictions from talking to the therapist but all in all I manage it well.

Thyroid disease can cause symptoms of mental illness unfortunately. I must admit that before I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's I had some pretty scary bouts of depression but always managed to rationalize it and function well in the world. I guess a part of me thought it was normal to feel this way and I haven't felt otherwise so this must be my normal. I have never felt the need to see anyone as a result and also didn't want any of the stigma attached. A part of me still feels a little funny about walking to the therapist's office or sitting in the waiting room. I wonder what the others think I'm there for? I hope no one recognizes me. It's all so silly but there still is that real fear of being stigmatized. I'm by no means crazy but I'd be a fool if I said I didn't have any thing to work out or toward. We all have something or other.

I am happy with myself for taking that first step. It really is the only time during the week that's truly just for me and about me. It's a time to help me sort out my feelings in dealing with this illness. I often have a "it's no big deal" attitude even when with things that are a huge deal. It is a big deal that I can't let myself just relax when my body and mind are telling me that I need to. It is a big deal when I berate myself for not finishing every little thing on my to-do list. It is a big deal when I feel like a failure because I didn't do something substantial to expand my business on any given day because I feel too sick and out of it to even think about doing anything. These are just a few of the things I hope to work through. I just want to be able to enjoy my life more and reach the goals I set in place for myself while respecting the fact that I may not have the energy I once used to.

I'm a work in progress but the stage has been set. For anyone thinking about seeing a Psychologist but wary of doing so I highly recommend it. If I did it you can too. It's time for this stigma to go away.

A Little Understanding Goes a Long Way

I spoke to a dear friend today who has both PCOS and diabetes. It's her birthday. While I am extremely lucky to have some really amazing friends and a very loving and accepting boyfriend, she is the only one who I can say truly understands what I go through because sadly she experiences many of the same symptoms I do.

We have good days and bad days. Some days it's hard to move and get even out of bed. Other days we're confident, have quite a bit of energy and are ready to take on the world. Some days all we can do is think about all the things we want to do and have to do and realize that our will is not enough to overcome our physical self. And we get frustrated. And we feel bad about ourselves and blame ourselves for not doing enough. We can't understand why. We hate it. We feel like losers. We also feel bad about telling others how we truly feel and try to sugar coat it by saying "It's not that bad. No big deal. I'll be ok." We feel like we're complaining. We keep a lot inside for fear that we will come off as complainers to others. We shouldn't have to feel ashamed or afraid to open up or be frustrated. It is what it is.

We didn't choose to be ill and feel this way. I'm still trying to accept it. I often still feel in denial of the whole thing and think I'm supposed to be superwoman and do everything I want to do and then some without getting tired. How dare I? What's wrong with me? I am too hard on myself. I see myself in my friend and want what's best for her always. I would never judge her or tell her she's not doing enough. Why am I then so hard on myself?

Sometimes You Need a Kick in the Butt

I watched the documentary "Crazy Sexy Cancer" today. It was sad in some parts, yet uplifting and empowering in others. I thank my lucky stars I don't have cancer and applaud all the brave souls who battle it every day. My mom had thryoid cancer and thankfully she is a survivor. She caught it due to environmental factors. I get a thyroid sonogram every once in a while to make sure everything's ok as well. Prevention is always key.

The movie definitely brought about some very good points that anyone with a chronic illness can apply as well. The main one is being your own advocate. Keep searching for that doctor that truly listens to you and doesn't brush you aside making you feel like you're a hypochondriac. I've sadly had too many instances where this happened both prior to my diagnosis and occasionally still to this day. Make sure you do as much research as you can on your particular disease. No doctor has the time to keep you completely abreast of how you can live your best life nor do they know what's truly best for you. They are swamped with other patients and besides who knows your own body best but you?

I also totally agree with eating as healthfully as you possibly can. The documentary's star, Kris Carr, tackled a macrobiotic diet and it worked beautifully for her even though it was a bit difficult to stick to at times. I'm just trying to make small changes by including more fruits and vegetables in my diet and cutting out the processed sugary foods. I do feel the results so far to some extent. I was able to get rid of a migraine last week by drinking ginger tea with pieces of ginger root in it. Exercise is also helpful but in times of extreme fatique this can be the furthest thing from your mind. I'm still trying to tackle this one.

Most of all don't ever give up on yourself. Sure, we all have moments when we feel sorry for ourselves but we can all take a cue from one woman in the documentary who suffered from breast cancer, Oni. She actually set a timer for 10 minutes a day where she allowed herself to feel sorry for herself, get some tedious chores done etc. and then once the timer rang she got back behind the computer and resumed her life as a writer. The ultimate message of the documentary is to live your life to the fullest and don't take anything for granted. Sometimes you need a kick in the butt like cancer or a chronic illness to show you the way.