For several months now my Endocrinologist has persuaded me to see a Psychologist. She once asked me about my line of work and I believe my response was that I was stressed out and didn't like my job. Ever since then she has asked if I wanted her to prescribe me a "happy pill." I have since been laid off along with 600 other fellow workers so clearly my unhappiness at work is no longer an issue. It was indeed a blessing in disguise come to think of it. I was seriously hanging on by a thread both physically and mentally as a result of my illness and also because I was no longer satisfied with the job. My side business which is my true passion was beginning to overshadow my full-time job anyway and it sounds horrible to say but my 9 to 5 job was becoming a hindrance blocking my ability to expand the business further.
As every visit came and went my Endocrinologist kept asking me if I saw anyone yet. I began to wonder: Do I look unhappy? Am I really unhappy and just in denial about it? Was I depressed and didn't even know it? I decided to give talking to someone a try.
Seeing someone and speaking about your feelings and problems is virtually unheard of in my mind and not how I was raised at all. Taking a "happy pill" is even more of a taboo. While I am happy to say that I overcame my pride about seeing a therapist (I will be seeing her for the third time coming up next week), I still feel very strongly about not taking any medication unless I truly need it. I maintain that I don't have to since thankfully I don't have extreme Depression or Anxiety. I have discovered that I do suffer from these afflictions from talking to the therapist but all in all I manage it well.
Thyroid disease can cause symptoms of mental illness unfortunately. I must admit that before I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's I had some pretty scary bouts of depression but always managed to rationalize it and function well in the world. I guess a part of me thought it was normal to feel this way and I haven't felt otherwise so this must be my normal. I have never felt the need to see anyone as a result and also didn't want any of the stigma attached. A part of me still feels a little funny about walking to the therapist's office or sitting in the waiting room. I wonder what the others think I'm there for? I hope no one recognizes me. It's all so silly but there still is that real fear of being stigmatized. I'm by no means crazy but I'd be a fool if I said I didn't have any thing to work out or toward. We all have something or other.
I am happy with myself for taking that first step. It really is the only time during the week that's truly just for me and about me. It's a time to help me sort out my feelings in dealing with this illness. I often have a "it's no big deal" attitude even when with things that are a huge deal. It is a big deal that I can't let myself just relax when my body and mind are telling me that I need to. It is a big deal when I berate myself for not finishing every little thing on my to-do list. It is a big deal when I feel like a failure because I didn't do something substantial to expand my business on any given day because I feel too sick and out of it to even think about doing anything. These are just a few of the things I hope to work through. I just want to be able to enjoy my life more and reach the goals I set in place for myself while respecting the fact that I may not have the energy I once used to.
I'm a work in progress but the stage has been set. For anyone thinking about seeing a Psychologist but wary of doing so I highly recommend it. If I did it you can too. It's time for this stigma to go away.
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